The Key To Charismatic Communication

Communication is a powerful tool in expressing our internal landscape to others.

Verbal and non verbal cues all play a role in how we present our true authentic nature out to the world.

If you feel socially awkward or simply want to be more charismatic in your communication, we will share some insights and tools to help you shine your unique and wonderful wisdom, talents and true inner light with others.

In the book 'Cues' author Vanessa Van Edwards explores in depth 'how to master the secret language of charismatic communication' she gives us the key to charismatic communication saying highly charismatic people rank high in 2 particular traits; trait one being warmth and trait two is competence.

She goes on to explain that most of us are either one or the other and finding a blend of both is the key to charismatic communication.

Lets take a look at warmth. When you are warm you exude compassion, kindness, being approachable, friendly and come across trust worthy. However these qualities can overshadow your competence and make it seem as though you are not powerful.

On the other hand if you are competent capable respectful important, people listen to you but you may be unapproachable and intimidating.

Charisma is finding a balance between both.

Here are some wonderful ways to be both warm and competent.

Use Peoples Names

To build rapport try using peoples names throughout the conversation.

This radiates warmth and nourishes connection.

Be Interested, Not Interesting.

Often we may feel we need to have the biggest story, the loudest voice, the funniest joke, however mostly others want to simply feel heard, acknowledged and truly cared about.

Rather than thinking about what you can and will say, practice deep listening instead.

Deep listening is the art of listening to understand not listening to respond.

Be present and attentive, maintain eye contact, instead of interrupting, lean in to the conversation with non-verbal cues such as smiling and nodding.

Be curious about them and what they are speaking about and ask follow up questions.

Rather than following your connection and bringing the conversation back to you, follow your curiosity. For example if the person you are speaking to expresses they enjoy photography, instead of saying "oh my daughter likes taking photos too" which derails their thought process, interrupts them and brings the conversation back to you, try asking them questions about their love of photography instead. Follow your curiosity about them, perhaps ask "what project are you working on now?" this gives them space to share more about their life and passions and experiences.

What To Do When It Is Your Turn To Speak

When it is your turn to speak try offering a few options for them to hook into or ask you about. For example if they ask you what you did that weekend you could reply with; we went to the movies, tried a new restaurant and visited my in-laws, this gives them an opportunity to ask more questions on one of those threads, keeping the conversation flowing. They have options to ask what movie did you see, how was the food, or how is your father in law, it invites more areas of connection and communication, creates trust, openness and radiates warmth.

Don't Strive For Perfection

Striving for perfection can create distance. It can make us seem unapproachable or inauthentic. As long as people are generally competent to begin with you are more approachable if you show vulnerability or make a mistake. So don't hide imperfections when they naturally come up. If you can laugh at yourself, and admit when you've made a mistake you will come across more genuine, warm and approachable.

Which brings us to

Self Confidence vs Self Worth

Self confidence-is what you gain after much practice at something (a skill, task, quality etc), repeating over and over again until it becomes subconscious, automatic or natural.

We have all met those people who exude a false sense of confidence, they are perhaps overly loud, touting all their achievements, awards, accomplishments and are willing to communicate these with elaborate and often embellished stories. Often these types of people often suffer from low self esteem.

Self esteem is how you treat yourself when you are all alone.

When you have low self esteem you may go home after a social setting/interaction and think did I overshare was I too much, did I sound stupid. When you get to the root of your self esteem and feel comfortable and happy with who you are, you have more healthy social interactions.

A wonderful way to build your self worth or self esteem is to get to know yourself. Really explore your likes dislikes values and core beliefs. Understand where those beliefs values and interests stem from. Listen to your self talk gently observe your internal dialogue about yourself, is it uplifting and positive or unkind or dis empowering.

Practice positive affirmations and self talk, become your own best friend.

Try avoid comparing yourself to others and find joy love and acceptance for all or you, your strengths and your shadow sides.

Practice gratitude, every day taking time to focus on your many wonderful qualities, talents or loving relationships in your life. What you focus on grows, where energy flows, attention grows, this helps to nourish positive, loving, uplifting thoughts about yourself and others.

Spend time on self care practices such as yoga, meditation, taking long baths, walks in nature, art, pottery or other introspective activities, so that when you do have conversations and interactions with others you are deeply rooted in your own sense of self, this way you go in to the conversation to have fun or to build meaningful connections that will nourish you both and add to your already fulfilled life.

Be Mindful What You Say About Others.

If for example you are speaking to someone and you start talking about someone else not involved in your conversation and you express this other person is hardworking and competent then you too will seem hard working and competent to the person you are speaking with. However if you are speaking about someone else and make comments such as "they are lazy and selfish" then you too may be looked at that way in the eyes of the person you are speaking with.

But lets take this concept a step further. We all see the world through our own lense of reality, so in effect everything or everyone we see reflects back to us qualities that we ourselves possess. Our outer world is simply a reflection of our inner world. If we are triggered by someone being lazy or selfish then chances are there are some traces of these traits within us. This gives us the opportunity to unpack this realisation and do some inner reflection and self work to look at our lives and understand where we may be lazy, if we are happy with being lazy in this area or whether we would like to make some adjustments.

The same with being selfish. While filling our own cup and replenishing our own resources is important, are there areas in your life that you do this by depleting someone else or take without giving back? These are just 2 examples of a myriad on this journey of self discovery and being the most radiant best shining light of yourself you can be.

Also if someone is gossiping to you, they are likely gossiping about you.

The other person may not be trustworthy or not very kind. Be mindful of who you spend your time with and also how you speak about others. Remember how you speak about others is also how you are viewed.

Share Your Expertise

Don't underestimate your expertise. All of us have our strengths and interests whether it be crocheting, photography, cooking, writing poetry, the list is endless! Own your skills and don't shy away from sharing them in conversations, it shows confidence and competence, both traits others which are drawn to. Appreciate your own unique qualities and as you authentically engage in your own life, you will naturally oooze a self assured confidence that others will naturally be drawn to.

Small Talk

Ask questions such as how are you, how was your day, small talk is like casting a net trying to catch what you have in common. Once they have mentioned something that piques your interest, be curious and ask further questions allowing them to open up and express their authentic self to you.

Practice your active listening, your curiosity and if you are a little stuck on what to say or their is an awkward pause, try summarising what they just said in a short little sentence, giving them a chance to expand further, take the conversation a little deeper or even move it in a different direction. Alternatively use the pause to comment on the surroundings, the art work, decor or simply be honest and let them know you are feeling a little socially awkward today, this can help break the ice, show vulnerability and give them the green light to express themselves openly on whatever topic they feel comfortable with.

Ultimately communication and conversations with others is about how you make them feel.

How they felt in your presence. Its likely they wont remember awkward pauses or that you stumbled over your words occasionally, instead they will remember your warmth, energy and vibe, that you were comfortable with yourself and let your unique inner light shine.